saying yes vs not saying no

There is a difference, you know.

I used to be the type of person who couldn’t say no. I just felt bad turning someone down. I would feel obligated to answer the front door, even if it was a salesperson. I would listen to their spiel, all the while trying to figure out a kind way to tell them no thank you. I would pick up sales calls (this was before my phone could tell me that it might be spam) and let them do their whole talk before I tried politely to tell them that I wasn’t interested. And this was with people that I didn’t know at all.

Can you imagine how difficult it was for me to say no to the people I DID know and care about? There were volunteer events that I dreaded attending, performances that completely stressed me out, and other events that made my life so busy that I could hardly breathe. And my husband would just shake his head at me, frustrated. Not AT me, but FOR me. He would tell me that people knew I couldn’t say no and that’s why they would ask me to do stuff. Looking back now, it makes me realize that I was a bit of a sucker.

I got tired of being busy with things I felt obligated to be busy with but didn't feel like doing. Somewhere along the line, I developed some tips and techniques and a bit of wisdom that would help me say no when I needed to say no. I think it was around the time my Pa passed away. (That's what I called my dad: Pa.) There are events and seasons in life that impact the direction you are going in immense ways and this was one of them.

My Pa had cancer, was diagnosed and passed away in 9 months' time. Within those 9 months, there were so many lessons that God taught me. And perhaps He did so so that the memory of my dad’s life and passing would be full of meaning for me for years to come, being left here on earth without him.

One lesson I learned as I examined the reality of death up close was that I needed to reconfigure what my mindset was. I realized that my life’s priorities (aside from the focus of God’s call on my life, because that’s a different blog for a different day) should be two-fold: developing relationships with people I care about and creating memories with those people. And here’s the kicker (for me): when I die, I won’t care about what I own or about what I’ve accomplished in life. I will care about the people I love and the adventures I’ve had with them.

And that leads to more intentional yeses (yesses? yesssssessssss?) and less obligatory yeses.

Do I want to go to a women’s retreat with you in the pines? YEP!

Do I want to host a Growth Group with you for our church in my kitchen that is all about sourdough? YEP!

Do I want to go to a 21 Pilots concert in LA with my hubs, kids, and their friends? YEP!

Do I want to go out to coffee with you instead of do my dishes? Definitely YES!

Do I want to join you at Pilates when I am completely out of shape? Yes, because being with you is important and a blessing.

I started saying yes to what I was focused on: my people and my memories. And suddenly life became busy in the best of ways! The “saying no” part needed some practice, but I found that if I took the time to examine why I wanted to say no, then I could give a valid reason for the no.

I started by telling myself that I needed to look at my calendar for everything. And that’s typically what I tell people when they ask me to help or do something: “Let me check my calendar before I give you an answer.” Because my calendar doesn’t lie. It tells me at a glance if I have too much packed into a weekend and that another event might push me over my social tolerance edge. It also allows me the time to chat with God and my husband about whether this investment of time would come at a sacrifice to my priorities.

And when I do have to say no, it’s still not easy. But I know in my gut that the reasoning is valid. I might just have to say that my schedule doesn’t allow, even if it looks like it would on paper. I know myself well enough to know when my schedule (and my brain) is overwhelmed. And sometimes God makes it clear through conversation with my husband or just with a lack of peace that this is not what I should be doing with my time at this…er...time. So that’s what I say: This isn’t where God is calling me at this time. (Time. I just wanted to type that one more... time.)

So there it is: I’m saying yes a lot, but my yes is to the things that align with my God-directed priorities. And I’m also learning to say no to the things that don’t align. (I say “learning” because that is probably going to be a life-long lesson for me and because of the people-pleasing tendencies that I have…but that’s a blog for a different day.)

And ultimately it comes down to this:

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

I'll tell you what: sometimes my paths are still pretty curvy. But that's on me. I'm not always so good at listening and submitting to what God is telling my heart to do. But I'm working on making things align. (Get it? align? a...line? straight, not curvy: a line. Whatever. Sorry. I'm a dork.)

KC

PS. I "read" (via audiobook) this book a few months ago because my daughter, Jayne, told me I should. It's called "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God: Experiencing Life in Extraordinary Ways," by Lysa TerKeurst. Highly recommend!